It seems like everyone sets New Year’s resolutions. Go to the gym. Cook more healthfully. Spend more time with family. Think about the ones that you set this year. Now that we are in August, how many of those resolutions were you successful in keeping? Setting and keeping goals requires a clear, concise plan with achievable and measurable steps, along with self-control and the discipline to follow through on your plan.
Two views on self-control
So, where does “self-control” come from? And what exactly is discipline? Some people call to mind thoughts of dread at homework that had to be done, or a project that was due, or perhaps you think of food or exercise. Whatever the case may be, there are really two schools of thought on self-control. There is the side that considers learning as an ever-continuing endeavor, and self-control or capacity to act as a skill that can continually be expanded upon. One the other hand, there is the group that looks upon self-control like a container that can be emptied or filled, but can never exceed the limits of its capacity. Where do you fall? How would your life be different if you considered yourself capable of increasing your ability to deal with stress instead of continually having to only work on the defensive, meticulously guarding against more stress leaking in?
Coping mechanisms
In either case, we all have to start from somewhere. So, what can you do if you do fall into the latter camp? What then? Well, it starts with realizing that self-control, the ability to deal with stress whether good or bad, is a skill. Just like any skill, it can be sharpened and improved upon. But how do we improve upon these skills?
Developing and utilizing effective coping mechanisms is one major way that we can do this. But “coping” can mean reaching for a carton of ice cream after a breakup; a second, third, or fourth bottle of beer after a hard day; a blade for your own body when you need to feel something for once; or a variety of other methods of coping that really don’t benefit us in the long term, no matter how much we feel it helps us in the moment. In the end, we can’t truthfully call these effective coping mechanisms. What will be effective for you is not necessarily what will work for others- we are unique human beings. You may need to try more than one thing before you strike upon something that works for you. And I’m also not saying that breaking the bondage of past, ineffective coping skills is going to be easy. Our brains have gotten used to our habits.
Our brains as creatures of habit
As we repeat actions and attitudes, our brain forms stronger and stronger neuro-pathways, wiring our brain to be primed for that action. I think of neuroconnections like a path through the woods; the more times you tread that path, the less and less grass and foliage will tend to grow there. The dirt will slowly become exposed. But unlike the path through the woods, which given enough time will eventually regrow and conceal the fact that the path was ever there, the brain retains those neuro-pathways. However, there is still hope. Those negative pathways can become weaker with disuse. The way to further weaken your old tendencies is to form and reinforce newer, more positive habits in its place.
Finding effective, healthy coping skills
How do you decide even which way to go as far as selecting a positive coping mechanism to pursue? Think about your interests. Was there a subject in school that you were particularly fascinated by? Are there any outdoorsy or physical activities which you enjoy? Do you enjoy viewing or making art; or perhaps composing or listening to music? Who makes up your support system? Family, friends, even pets can be included in this emotional support of you. Which calming exercises have you tried before?
If we allow our view of our capabilities to be overwhelmed by the stressors of everyday life, we will easily feel out of control and overwhelmed. However, if we are able to keep our initial vision in mind, utilize effective coping mechanisms, and continue to step (even falteringly) towards our goals, then you can start to claim success, however modest.