Boundaries are a good thing!
Category: Coping
What is Self Care?
Self care is simply what we do for ourselves. Of course, this answer can be frustrating as it fails to help one understand how self care works or why it’s important. To help answer those questions, I like to use an example.
How self care it works
Imagine every person has two cups. One cup begins each day with water in it and is for giving water. The other cup begins empty and is for receiving water. Throughout the day, you will pour out water as you expend energy. Whether you’re working, taking care of a sick relative, or chasing children, you are using your water. As you play with children or take care of people, or check on a friend, we are pouring our water into their cup. You may find that you receive water from others as well. At the end of the day, the cup that began empty switches and will be the next day’s giving cup. As you rest for the night (if you are able to) you will gain some additional water. The quality of your rest is important though, because if you rest well, you will replenish more than if you sleep poorly or too short a time. In order to have enough water for the next day, it may be necessary to pour some water into your own receiving cup so you can have it tomorrow. There are a many conclusions that can be easily drawn from this example, but I will briefly explore three that I find directly connect to self care. One is that there is a limit to what can one person can do, as shown by giving each person a scarce resource that must be spent carefully. Another is that even pleasant or good activities such as care-taking or parenting, require water and must be accounted for. The last is that sometimes it is necessary to fill your cup with your own water. These lessons can help us to understand why self care is so important.Why self care is important
While you are thinking through your life and seeing all of the things that need water from your cup, it can be easy to think of how crucial your input is. You are right! All of those things are important, and this is the reason you have allowed yourself to become so exhausted. It is also true that if you are not careful with how you use your water, you won’t have enough to give to everything you need. So you will have to be intentional about giving yourself some of the water you need to take care of important things. As parents, spouses, or even as employees, we know that many of our responsibilities need more than one day’s worth of attention. To make sure that we have enough water for the most important aspects of our lives every day, we often need to be intentional about giving to ourselves ahead of time. So this is why self care is important: because you are a provider of water to others, and if you are depleted, you may not have enough to give to something that really needs it.We can help
I encourage everyone who finds themselves depleted to think about how they can take care of themselves. There are different ways to do this, and it has been true for many of my clients that counseling has been part of this. Even if you live far away or have limited access to a car, counseling is available over the phone or by video conferencing and I would be happy to talk with you.Distancer-pursuer dynamics
The Importance of Self-Care When Caregiving
If you are or have ever served as a caregiver for a parent or other aging adult, you know that many moments can be stressful, yet also beautiful and meaningful at the same time. While being a caregiver can provide your life with meaning and purpose, as well as enhance your relationship with the person you are caring for, it can also put you at risk for experiencing high levels of stress, depression, and burnout. With all of these contradictory effects, it can be difficult to manage your own health and well-being. While this can be hard, self-care is imperative for a caregiver throughout the caregiving process. Below are some tips to help you take care of yourself and your health as you also care for your parent or other older adult:
1. Allow yourself to acknowledge both the positive and negative emotions you may be experiencing.
Many caregivers feel ashamed to admit that they feel stressed, fatigued, frustrated, angry, or sad as they are caring for their parent or other older adult. It is important to allow yourself to get in touch with these emotions, as well as the positive ones you may experience as well, such as gratitude and finding purpose. It is natural to experience both types of emotions, as well as important to express both of these. If you do not express them, they become stuffed down, which can backfire later on, often leading to depression, anxiety, and burnout. One way to begin the acknowledgment and expression of these emotions is to practice mindfulness exercises, such as meditation or guided breathing. Journaling about your emotions can also help you express them in a healthy way and give you an opportunity to work through and make sense of them. In addition, therapy can be a safe place to talk about these emotions without the worry of being judged.
2. Do something for yourself at least once a week.
When you are caregiving, it can be easy to feel like your own needs are not as important as the parent or adult’s you are caring for. But there’s a reason they tell you on the airplane that in the case of an emergency, put your air mask on first before putting it on others. It can be hard to take care of others if you are not also taking care of yourself as well. It is not selfish to take some time here and there to do something you enjoy. In fact, it is the exact opposite of being selfish because you are going to be a more effective caregiver as a result of taking some time to rest and recharge. It can be helpful to set a recurring time each week for you to do something for yourself and only yourself, such as going for a walk, watching your favorite TV show, or going to lunch with a friend.
3. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.
If you are feeling fatigued, overwhelmed, and like you just need a break, listen to your body. If you have other family members nearby, ask them to step in for a few hours while you take a break. If you don’t have the option of family being nearby, asking for help can also be in the form of seeking therapy or attending a support group where you can talk openly about your experiences as a caregiver, as well as listen to those of others in similar situations.
What Stories Do You Tell Your Children?
The stories you tell your children about them matter. Stories that are recalled first by you to your children at times that seem good for teaching, but gradually broaden to act as a warning or comparison to other examples. These broader examples inform children of the meaning and implications of these stories.
Consider what stories you tell your children. Consider how they may hear those stories about themselves. Consider the effect your words have on their young minds. To demonstrate what I mean, allow me to use an example from my own life. My daughter, when she was young, was a fantastic sleeper. Within her first month, she slept through the night, up to twelve hours sometimes. My son, however, was not a good sleeper. It took him several months before he slept through the night and he never has slept the twelve hour stretches our daughter would. Now, let me consider some different ways this fact, this part of their lives could be told by me to them later in life, changing and festering from a simple statement of fact to a damaging and vague description.
Why Does It Matter?
As they grow up, I could remember how my daughter slept better than my son. Maybe I would even mention it to them. After all, it is a factual statement about them as infants. However, over time, it is very understandable how what begins as simple fact becomes more vague. You may even forget how specific the factual example is. When I remember that she slept better as a baby, I may say to my son that he never slept as well as her. Though it is possible to reach a conclusion that would be damaging from this statement alone, it is unlikely that he would think about it any more than just that time. However, as this story is repeated by various members of the family, it becomes less of a singular fact describing his infancy, instead joining the narrative that defines who he is to others.
From there, the shifts become progressively more damaging as they become more vague. Beginning with the thought that my son did not sleep as well as his sister, it may shift to a more general, but similar thought of being a harder baby than his sister. While I am thinking about how he was a harder baby than his sister, it is easier to notice other ways that raising him is harder than raising her. So what began as my daughter sleeping better than him turns into him being harder to raise. A natural progression in description; a massive impact in meaning.
What Now?
My urge is this: think of the stories you tell your children about their raising. Have they always been that way? Are they vague? Are they helpful? Your answers to these questions may help you recognize uncertainty and shame your children feel. My suggestion to begin to alleviate this is to open the subject up to your children. What stories do they remember? What do they mean? If you have young children, how do you explain your experiences with them growing up? Can you think of things you will remember fondly of them from this time period? Tell them!
Self-Control and Coping in view of Goals
It seems like everyone sets New Year’s resolutions. Go to the gym. Cook more healthfully. Spend more time with family. Think about the ones that you set this year. Now that we are in August, how many of those resolutions were you successful in keeping? Setting and keeping goals requires a clear, concise plan with achievable and measurable steps, along with self-control and the discipline to follow through on your plan.
Two views on self-control
So, where does “self-control” come from? And what exactly is discipline? Some people call to mind thoughts of dread at homework that had to be done, or a project that was due, or perhaps you think of food or exercise. Whatever the case may be, there are really two schools of thought on self-control. There is the side that considers learning as an ever-continuing endeavor, and self-control or capacity to act as a skill that can continually be expanded upon. One the other hand, there is the group that looks upon self-control like a container that can be emptied or filled, but can never exceed the limits of its capacity. Where do you fall? How would your life be different if you considered yourself capable of increasing your ability to deal with stress instead of continually having to only work on the defensive, meticulously guarding against more stress leaking in?
Coping mechanisms
In either case, we all have to start from somewhere. So, what can you do if you do fall into the latter camp? What then? Well, it starts with realizing that self-control, the ability to deal with stress whether good or bad, is a skill. Just like any skill, it can be sharpened and improved upon. But how do we improve upon these skills?
Developing and utilizing effective coping mechanisms is one major way that we can do this. But “coping” can mean reaching for a carton of ice cream after a breakup; a second, third, or fourth bottle of beer after a hard day; a blade for your own body when you need to feel something for once; or a variety of other methods of coping that really don’t benefit us in the long term, no matter how much we feel it helps us in the moment. In the end, we can’t truthfully call these effective coping mechanisms. What will be effective for you is not necessarily what will work for others- we are unique human beings. You may need to try more than one thing before you strike upon something that works for you. And I’m also not saying that breaking the bondage of past, ineffective coping skills is going to be easy. Our brains have gotten used to our habits.
Our brains as creatures of habit
As we repeat actions and attitudes, our brain forms stronger and stronger neuro-pathways, wiring our brain to be primed for that action. I think of neuroconnections like a path through the woods; the more times you tread that path, the less and less grass and foliage will tend to grow there. The dirt will slowly become exposed. But unlike the path through the woods, which given enough time will eventually regrow and conceal the fact that the path was ever there, the brain retains those neuro-pathways. However, there is still hope. Those negative pathways can become weaker with disuse. The way to further weaken your old tendencies is to form and reinforce newer, more positive habits in its place.
Finding effective, healthy coping skills
How do you decide even which way to go as far as selecting a positive coping mechanism to pursue? Think about your interests. Was there a subject in school that you were particularly fascinated by? Are there any outdoorsy or physical activities which you enjoy? Do you enjoy viewing or making art; or perhaps composing or listening to music? Who makes up your support system? Family, friends, even pets can be included in this emotional support of you. Which calming exercises have you tried before?
If we allow our view of our capabilities to be overwhelmed by the stressors of everyday life, we will easily feel out of control and overwhelmed. However, if we are able to keep our initial vision in mind, utilize effective coping mechanisms, and continue to step (even falteringly) towards our goals, then you can start to claim success, however modest.