I have been wondering after some recent discussions with friends how Frisco, Plano, and the surrounding areas would be different if families focused on growing marriages first before they focused on their children’s interests and extracurricular activities. This suburban area in particular is so kid-centric. I see so many activities that parents can enroll their children in, from sports to coding, A to Z. But I don’t hear much about what the community is doing to strengthen marriages. I do hear a lot about the divorce rate. Generally the relationship comes first, then kids happen second. It’s the rare case that that ever occurs in reverse. So why aren’t we doing more to strengthen the foundational relationship in a marriage so all other relationships, i.e. the kids and other relatives, can flourish out of the health of the first one?

Benefits of a strong marriage for kids

Consider the great examples of a good relationship that can be displayed to your children in a marriage that you are actively developing and breathing life into. Children are able to see what it means to cherish and care for somebody, how to resolve conflict, how to prioritize each other, how to share the load, how to negotiate, how to argue well, how to constantly do the work of marriage.

Imagine the security a child would feel in seeing his parents imperfectly but persistently pursuing each other. What would it be like for your children to see you make mistakes as parents, perhaps emotionally hurting each other as spouses, and then to hear you two make amends? How would they react to seeing you two flirt with each other around the house, even after they are into their teens? (Well, probably act grossed out, let’s be real). But on a deeper level, that is a public display to them of your emotional intimacy and understanding of each others’ needs. But how does a couple even get to this level? What if you are already years into your marriage to each other with children?

Wait, marriage is work?

Doing the work of strengthening a marriage is just that- work. It takes effort; it takes intentionality; it takes time. Rome wasn’t built overnight. So be patient with yourself. It’s also not a one-person effort. I describe trust like a bridge to clients. Imagine each person on either side of a chasm, each slowly building their side out to meet the other’s in the middle. One person can’t do most of the work. It has to be fair. Trust is built through a long series of gives and takes, disclosures, good experiences, and even through bad experiences.

I would say that it is most crucial for couples to understand how to really do relational repair well. This refers to the process by which you reconcile after some sort of hurt, like a breach in trust; a display of negative emotions like anger, frustration, jealousy; or a slowing of a willingness to cooperate with and serve their spouse. It is not easy to approach someone whom you feel either hurt by or whom you are frustrated with.

What do I do when we can’t talk about it?

So where can you start when there is a hurt in your relationship with your spouse? Try taking a look at these fair-fighting-rules. It’s a list of good guidelines, courtesy of therapistaid.com. Something that I would add to the list is to first calm down. When our brains are processing an excess of anger or stress, the areas of our brain which process our fight/flight/freeze reflex become very active. At the same time, our prefrontal cortex, the major part of the brain responsible for logical thought, becomes noticeably less active.

All this is to say that when we are overwhelmed, or flooded, by negative emotions, we cannot think logically. To give yourself the time and the space to cool down before speaking with your spouse is to give your brain the time and capability to think logically, to come up with alternative options and explanations, and allow you to better formulate what is actually bothering you. Being able to have that time also gives you a greater capability to actually hear what your spouse is saying to you when you do talk.

Even though this is difficult (nobody would call this easy!) it is worth it. With each repaired break in your relationship, you become better and better at relating to and understanding your spouse. It’s going to make your marital relationship stronger, because it strengthens the underlying thought that “I can talk to my spouse about difficult things and easy things”.

As an extra bonus, your children will see your conflict resolution techniques and benefit from your example of leaning in towards reconciliation instead of leaning away from a hard situation. It will build their trust in you and their ability to open up to you and be honest. You’re not going to be perfect. It may feel like two steps forward, one step back. But as you are able to be more genuine with your spouse about what is going on, your marriage will grow in trust and intimacy. And your children will learn how to healthfully relate with other people- from your example.