Tag: children

What Stories Do You Tell Your Children?

What Stories Do You Tell Your Children?

Posted on by Kevin Mimms

The stories you tell your children about them matter. Stories that are recalled first by you to your children at times that seem good for teaching, but gradually broaden to act as a warning or comparison to other examples. These broader examples inform children of the meaning and implications of these stories.

Consider what stories you tell your children. Consider how they may hear those stories about themselves. Consider the effect your words have on their young minds. To demonstrate what I mean, allow me to use an example from my own life. My daughter, when she was young, was a fantastic sleeper. Within her first month, she slept through the night, up to twelve hours sometimes. My son, however, was not a good sleeper. It took him several months before he slept through the night and he never has slept the twelve hour stretches our daughter would. Now, let me consider some different ways this fact, this part of their lives could be told by me to them later in life, changing and festering from a simple statement of fact to a damaging and vague description.

Why Does It Matter?

As they grow up, I could remember how my daughter slept better than my son. Maybe I would even mention it to them. After all, it is a factual statement about them as infants. However, over time, it is very understandable how what begins as simple fact becomes more vague. You may even forget how specific the factual example is. When I remember that she slept better as a baby, I may say to my son that he never slept as well as her. Though it is possible to reach a conclusion that would be damaging from this statement alone, it is unlikely that he would think about it any more than just that time. However, as this story is repeated by various members of the family, it becomes less of a singular fact describing his infancy, instead joining the narrative that defines who he is to others.

From there, the shifts become progressively more damaging as they become more vague. Beginning with the thought that my son did not sleep as well as his sister, it may shift to a more general, but similar thought of being a harder baby than his sister. While I am thinking about how he was a harder baby than his sister, it is easier to notice other ways that raising him is harder than raising her. So what began as my daughter sleeping better than him turns into him being harder to raise. A natural progression in description; a massive impact in meaning.

What Now?

My urge is this: think of the stories you tell your children about their raising. Have they always been that way? Are they vague? Are they helpful? Your answers to these questions may help you recognize uncertainty and shame your children feel. My suggestion to begin to alleviate this is to open the subject up to your children. What stories do they remember? What do they mean? If you have young children, how do you explain your experiences with them growing up? Can you think of things you will remember fondly of them from this time period? Tell them!

The marital relationship affects children- for better or for worse

The marital relationship affects children- for better or for worse

Posted on by Rachel

I have been wondering after some recent discussions with friends how Frisco, Plano, and the surrounding areas would be different if families focused on growing marriages first before they focused on their children’s interests and extracurricular activities. This suburban area in particular is so kid-centric. I see so many activities that parents can enroll their children in, from sports to coding, A to Z. But I don’t hear much about what the community is doing to strengthen marriages. I do hear a lot about the divorce rate. Generally the relationship comes first, then kids happen second. It’s the rare case that that ever occurs in reverse. So why aren’t we doing more to strengthen the foundational relationship in a marriage so all other relationships, i.e. the kids and other relatives, can flourish out of the health of the first one?

Benefits of a strong marriage for kids

Consider the great examples of a good relationship that can be displayed to your children in a marriage that you are actively developing and breathing life into. Children are able to see what it means to cherish and care for somebody, how to resolve conflict, how to prioritize each other, how to share the load, how to negotiate, how to argue well, how to constantly do the work of marriage.

Imagine the security a child would feel in seeing his parents imperfectly but persistently pursuing each other. What would it be like for your children to see you make mistakes as parents, perhaps emotionally hurting each other as spouses, and then to hear you two make amends? How would they react to seeing you two flirt with each other around the house, even after they are into their teens? (Well, probably act grossed out, let’s be real). But on a deeper level, that is a public display to them of your emotional intimacy and understanding of each others’ needs. But how does a couple even get to this level? What if you are already years into your marriage to each other with children?

Wait, marriage is work?

Doing the work of strengthening a marriage is just that- work. It takes effort; it takes intentionality; it takes time. Rome wasn’t built overnight. So be patient with yourself. It’s also not a one-person effort. I describe trust like a bridge to clients. Imagine each person on either side of a chasm, each slowly building their side out to meet the other’s in the middle. One person can’t do most of the work. It has to be fair. Trust is built through a long series of gives and takes, disclosures, good experiences, and even through bad experiences.

I would say that it is most crucial for couples to understand how to really do relational repair well. This refers to the process by which you reconcile after some sort of hurt, like a breach in trust; a display of negative emotions like anger, frustration, jealousy; or a slowing of a willingness to cooperate with and serve their spouse. It is not easy to approach someone whom you feel either hurt by or whom you are frustrated with.

What do I do when we can’t talk about it?

So where can you start when there is a hurt in your relationship with your spouse? Try taking a look at these fair-fighting-rules. It’s a list of good guidelines, courtesy of therapistaid.com. Something that I would add to the list is to first calm down. When our brains are processing an excess of anger or stress, the areas of our brain which process our fight/flight/freeze reflex become very active. At the same time, our prefrontal cortex, the major part of the brain responsible for logical thought, becomes noticeably less active.

All this is to say that when we are overwhelmed, or flooded, by negative emotions, we cannot think logically. To give yourself the time and the space to cool down before speaking with your spouse is to give your brain the time and capability to think logically, to come up with alternative options and explanations, and allow you to better formulate what is actually bothering you. Being able to have that time also gives you a greater capability to actually hear what your spouse is saying to you when you do talk.

Even though this is difficult (nobody would call this easy!) it is worth it. With each repaired break in your relationship, you become better and better at relating to and understanding your spouse. It’s going to make your marital relationship stronger, because it strengthens the underlying thought that “I can talk to my spouse about difficult things and easy things”.

As an extra bonus, your children will see your conflict resolution techniques and benefit from your example of leaning in towards reconciliation instead of leaning away from a hard situation. It will build their trust in you and their ability to open up to you and be honest. You’re not going to be perfect. It may feel like two steps forward, one step back. But as you are able to be more genuine with your spouse about what is going on, your marriage will grow in trust and intimacy. And your children will learn how to healthfully relate with other people- from your example.