I like to help people. It comes with the job, for sure, and it is refreshing to me to have people leave conversations or meetings with me feeling better than when they got there. When talking with people that have emotional burdens, sometimes you may wonder what you should be doing to help. Should I work to help them find the answers they need or make suggestions for how to find it? Should I encourage them to open up and talk about what is on their minds? Should I change the subject and help them think about something else?
Sadly, it is remarkably easy to make somebody else’s pain about you. Your reaction to their pain or hurt, however justified, can quickly overtake your desire to help them and drive you to process your own emotion. Another common reaction to taking on somebody else’s emotions is to shut down and separate yourself from the other person. At the least you may change the subject to take their (and your) mind off of the hardship.
In my experience, a more helpful stance to take to help people who are experiencing powerful emotions is to stay engaged without becoming overwhelmed by that emotion. The tool I teach to clients and practice myself in order to achieve this is to reflect and validate. It is important while you reflect (or paraphrase what you heard) and validate (remind them it’s okay to feel the way they do), to remind yourself that the emotion you are feeling belongs to the other person and not to you. Your experience with that feeling gives you the ability to put a name on what the other person is feeling. When you do this, the emotion becomes the topic of discussion instead of the difficult circumstances that directed that emotion. This discussion is what I refer to as meeting an emotion.
When you meet people in their emotions, it brings you closer to them. They know that you understand them and are there for them when they are feeling these emotions. It also gives you the chance to help them sort through their circumstances in a helpful way instead of in a dismissive way. If you would like to work on this method of communicating, or are curious how to connect better with people in your life, schedule a session with us!
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