I like to help people. It comes with the job, for sure, and it is refreshing to me to have people leave conversations or meetings with me feeling better than when they got there. When talking with people that have emotional burdens, sometimes you may wonder what you should be doing to help. Should I work to help them find the answers they need or make suggestions for how to find it? Should I encourage them to open up and talk about what is on their minds? Should I change the subject and help them think about something else? Sadly, it is remarkably easy to make somebody else’s pain about you. Your reaction to their pain or hurt, however justified, can quickly overtake your desire to help them and drive you to process your own emotion. Another common reaction to taking on somebody else’s emotions is to shut down and separate yourself from the other person. At the least you may change the subject to take their (and your) mind off of the hardship. In my experience, a more helpful stance to take to help people who are experiencing powerful emotions is to stay engaged without becoming overwhelmed by that emotion. The tool I teach to clients and practice myself in order to achieve this is to reflect and validate. It is important while you reflect (or paraphrase what you heard) and validate (remind them it’s okay to feel the way they do), to remind yourself that the emotion you are feeling belongs to the other person and not to you. Your experience with that feeling gives you the ability to put a name on what the other person is feeling. When you do this, the emotion becomes the topic of discussion instead of the difficult circumstances that directed that emotion. This discussion is what I refer to as meeting an emotion. When you meet people in their emotions, it brings you closer to them. They know that you understand them and are there for them when they are feeling these emotions. It also gives you the chance to help them sort through their circumstances in a helpful way instead of in a dismissive way. If you would like to work on this method of communicating, or are curious how to connect better with people in your life, schedule a session with us!

Last month, I met with some friends of mine, both engineers, to talk about how to describe emotional connection in terms of fluid mechanics. This discussion about emotion was illuminating, as we touched on a model that demonstrates what can happen in relationships. I was excited as I realized what a life-changing model this could be for my clients. As with most models for human relationships, showing how the model works before applying it directly to their lives can help to find solutions abstractly and at a safe distance. For this example, I begin with two hypothetical containers of water that are experiencing different amounts of pressure.

When a vessel is experiencing a lot of pressure, and it connects with a vessel under lower pressure, the system seeks to equalize pressure. This means that the low-pressure vessel takes on some of the pressure from the higher-pressure vessel. If the high-pressure vessel has a higher tolerance for pressure than the low-pressure vessel, the transfer of pressure can create a dangerous environment for the low-pressure vessel. Damage or destruction can occur due to the lack of ability from the receiving container to handle increased pressure. This can alter the system, because if the low-pressure vessel is damaged, then it will not serve as effectively in future situations without repair. In this case, there must be a way to protect both vessels from taking on too much pressure. In order to assist with the pressure, it is helpful for both vessels to have systems or safeguards in place to prevent damage or destruction due to pressure overload. Part of the high-pressure vessel’s safeguards is to share the pressure with another vessel. The connection is formed partly for the alleviation of pressure from one of the vessels. This need not be a one-way transaction, as the higher pressure in the low-pressure vessel can also be transferred back. Adding mechanisms such as a pressure release valve may also be necessary to protect against the taking-on of pressure.

              Application

This metaphor is useful because it demonstrates how these containers interact with each other when there are different conditions present in each container. This example translates into our own experience as people. The containers are people, and the higher physical pressure one tank is under is higher emotional pressure that a person is under. The connection represents the emotional connection between people, and the transfer of pressure under those circumstances is the process of taking on the emotions of another person. The thresholds for pressure that tanks have are the ability each person has to handle pressure or emotions, and the safeguards are the processes that a person has for managing stress. By demonstrating these processes with a metaphor, it is easier to see what the solutions are! Much like the tanks, it is impossible to avoid sharing pressure when a connection is made. If a connection is not made, this can serve to threaten the high pressure tank, as making a connection must be one of their safeguards against high pressure. However, the connected tank will be put under increased stress, and it will be important that they have their own measures in place to protect them. Pressure release valves or other safeguards are coping skills that people can have for handling anxiety or stress in their life. Making an emotional connection can be one way to alleviate pressure. Discovering ways to do this can be difficult, and sometimes it may be helpful to talk with someone about how to accomplish this. If that is your case, schedule a consultation today.