How to Meet Emotions

I like to help people. It comes with the job, for sure, and it is refreshing to me to have people leave conversations or meetings with me feeling better than when they got there. When talking with people that have emotional burdens, sometimes you may wonder what you should be doing to help. Should I work to help them find the answers they need or make suggestions for how to find it? Should I encourage them to open up and talk about what is on their minds? Should I change the subject and help them think about something else?

Sadly, it is remarkably easy to make somebody else’s pain about you. Your reaction to their pain or hurt, however justified, can quickly overtake your desire to help them and drive you to process your own emotion. Another common reaction to taking on somebody else’s emotions is to shut down and separate yourself from the other person. At the least you may change the subject to take their (and your) mind off of the hardship.

In my experience, a more helpful stance to take to help people who are experiencing powerful emotions is to stay engaged without becoming overwhelmed by that emotion. The tool I teach to clients and practice myself in order to achieve this is to reflect and validate. It is important while you reflect (or paraphrase what you heard) and validate (remind them it’s okay to feel the way they do), to remind yourself that the emotion you are feeling belongs to the other person and not to you. Your experience with that feeling gives you the ability to put a name on what the other person is feeling. When you do this, the emotion becomes the topic of discussion instead of the difficult circumstances that directed that emotion. This discussion is what I refer to as meeting an emotion.

When you meet people in their emotions, it brings you closer to them. They know that you understand them and are there for them when they are feeling these emotions. It also gives you the chance to help them sort through their circumstances in a helpful way instead of in a dismissive way. If you would like to work on this method of communicating, or are curious how to connect better with people in your life, schedule a session with us!

Emotional Connection for the Emotionally Challenged

Last month, I met with some friends of mine, both engineers, to talk about how to describe emotional connection in terms of fluid mechanics. This discussion about emotion was illuminating, as we touched on a model that demonstrates what can happen in relationships. I was excited as I realized what a life-changing model this could be for my clients. As with most models for human relationships, showing how the model works before applying it directly to their lives can help to find solutions abstractly and at a safe distance. For this example, I begin with two hypothetical containers of water that are experiencing different amounts of pressure.

When a vessel is experiencing a lot of pressure, and it connects with a vessel under lower pressure, the system seeks to equalize pressure. This means that the low-pressure vessel takes on some of the pressure from the higher-pressure vessel. If the high-pressure vessel has a higher tolerance for pressure than the low-pressure vessel, the transfer of pressure can create a dangerous environment for the low-pressure vessel. Damage or destruction can occur due to the lack of ability from the receiving container to handle increased pressure. This can alter the system, because if the low-pressure vessel is damaged, then it will not serve as effectively in future situations without repair. In this case, there must be a way to protect both vessels from taking on too much pressure. In order to assist with the pressure, it is helpful for both vessels to have systems or safeguards in place to prevent damage or destruction due to pressure overload. Part of the high-pressure vessel’s safeguards is to share the pressure with another vessel. The connection is formed partly for the alleviation of pressure from one of the vessels. This need not be a one-way transaction, as the higher pressure in the low-pressure vessel can also be transferred back. Adding mechanisms such as a pressure release valve may also be necessary to protect against the taking-on of pressure.

              Application

This metaphor is useful because it demonstrates how these containers interact with each other when there are different conditions present in each container. This example translates into our own experience as people. The containers are people, and the higher physical pressure one tank is under is higher emotional pressure that a person is under. The connection represents the emotional connection between people, and the transfer of pressure under those circumstances is the process of taking on the emotions of another person. The thresholds for pressure that tanks have are the ability each person has to handle pressure or emotions, and the safeguards are the processes that a person has for managing stress. By demonstrating these processes with a metaphor, it is easier to see what the solutions are! Much like the tanks, it is impossible to avoid sharing pressure when a connection is made. If a connection is not made, this can serve to threaten the high pressure tank, as making a connection must be one of their safeguards against high pressure. However, the connected tank will be put under increased stress, and it will be important that they have their own measures in place to protect them. Pressure release valves or other safeguards are coping skills that people can have for handling anxiety or stress in their life. Making an emotional connection can be one way to alleviate pressure. Discovering ways to do this can be difficult, and sometimes it may be helpful to talk with someone about how to accomplish this. If that is your case, schedule a consultation today.

 

Keys to Better Communication

Last month, I was asked to give a community talk about communication in relationships. To prepare for the community talk, I compiled some thoughts about communication and after the talk I decided that it would make for a good blog as well! So here, I have converted what was a 45-minute lecture and discussion into a readable (hopefully) blog.

Communication in relationships is important to talk about because it is such a common complaint that people bring when they are seeking couples counseling. In my time helping people, I have come to expect that communication will be a factor in every couple and family session I have. There are a few good reasons for this:

Communication is vague.

Poor communication, communication skills, or social skills, can be hard to define concepts. When you ask what is meant by such a complaint, most clients may offer some phrases or examples, but they are unable to say precisely how communication plays into their difficulties. This is because blaming the communication in your relationships is a way to take the problem away from an internal struggle and place it on something outside or safe. This is a safe way to describe uncertainty about where problems are coming from and a hopeless feeling about how to deal with them.

Communication is immersive.

When you are having a heated discussion with a close friend or significant other, you are involved emotionally in the exchange to a degree that prevents you from seeing the process of communication objectively. So instead of engaging directly in the conversation with the other, you separate by being wrapped up in your own feelings and your own emotions. You gradually begin to respond more directly by what you think the other person is saying than what they are actually saying. So your reactions may seem out of place, or unwarranted. You can usually tell based on the confusion or caution in your partner’s response. If you start to notice these sorts of responses, it is a sign that you may be in your head more than you should be.

Communication changes over time.

Think back to the early parts of your relationship, or even back to when you were a child and your parents were talking to you. At first, understanding requires more words and effort put into communication. After you become accustomed to the expectations and meaning behind your conversations, you may find that you develop a shorthand that allows you to communicate much more efficiently. How could efficiently communicating be a problem? The answer to this question is complex but can be very illuminating. As communication compresses, it depends more on inference (what you think is being said), and perception (what you think they are feeling). Most of the time this would not be a problem. Usually you are close enough to what you are supposed to be hearing to get the message, and it does not cause a problem. However, these misjudgments add up because communication is so immersive, and you tend to miss things when they are based off of perception.

As communication compresses, it depends more on inference (what you think is being said), and perception (what you think they are feeling).

Problems can happen sometimes when communication compresses too much. People depend too much on their inference, perception, and later, history of negative impressions left unresolved. When you depend so much on your inference and perception, you experience a fundamental shift in communication. No longer are you communicating with each other, you are each communicating by yourself. Often I hear from clients a question, “Why bother talking to each other when you know exactly how the conversation is going to go?” My question to them in response is, “Why bother standing in front of each other while you talk to yourselves?”

So how do you break this cycle?

Breaking the cycle can be extremely challenging. The first thing that helps with breaking these sorts of cycles is to slow down. Slowing down gives you a chance to pull out of the emotional immersion that happens during these cycles. Imagine if you were swimming in a dangerous current. To escape the current, the best way to start would be to find out which direction the shore is! Otherwise, you might start swimming off in a direction, running the risk of swimming away from safety. Communication is the same! If you find yourself to be drowning in the emotional turmoil, take a moment to gauge a way out. My recommendation would be to take a moment to decompress communication. Find out what your partner actually meant when they said the thing that upset you so much. Be mindful that their explanation could have a similar effect on you, but keep in mind that they are trying to connect with you too.

Just from my experience, I have seen many couples achieve a connection and closeness that had been previously absent from their relationship.

A tool I frequently teach is reflecting and validating. These simple statements can transform the way couples feel about their conversations. Just from my experience, I have seen many couples achieve a connection and closeness that had been previously absent from their relationship. Reflecting, explained simply, is a synthesis of the information received by the hearer from the sharer. So if the sharer is explaining about how difficult their day was, using many examples and demonstrating how troubled they feel about their day, the hearer could say, “Wow, it seems like you had a really hard day.” These reflections are occasionally met with relief, but often they are met with an increase in sharing. This happens in part, because the hearer is opening to the sharer, inviting them into the safe connection they have together. The next thing it is very important for a hearer to do is to validate. Validating, in effect, assures the sharer that they aren’t crazy for feeling the way they do. A size-fits-all validation statement that I recommend to people who aren’t sure where to start is a second part to the earlier reflection. Wow, it seems like you had a really hard day. If I had a day like that, I would be frustrated too. The second part of this sentence is critical, as it builds connection by implying a shared reaction to the stressors. When the sharer realizes that they are not only justified for feeling the way they do, but knowing you would feel the same way if you were in their position can shift the conversation from a tense and uncomfortable venting session to a loving and comforting connection.

What if you are the only one?

Feeling like you are the only one trying is a typical reaction to the beginning parts of changing your relationships. Several things are important to check on if you are feeling this way. The first thing to check on is whether your partner knows you are trying to work on your relationship. The second is to make sure that you explain how you are trying to make changes. The last way to do this is to consider the possibility that you are missing something. There is a chance that you are trying so hard to explain yourself fully and clearly, and it is keeping you from hearing your partner well. If this is the case, slow down, and reflect and validate your partner. See what changes it will make!

What if it is too hard?

A sticking point heard or left unspoken too often in therapy, the belief that these emotional situations are too intense, and too difficult to handle. In these instances, I offer three areas of insight. The first is assurance that connecting with your partner is hard, but it gets easier if you are brave. The second is that these problems were created over time and must be solved over time. The third is that when you have been involved in a long-lasting cycle, sometimes you need an outside perspective to help find the way to safety. Schedule with us today to begin your journey back to a safe and meaningful connection.

The Myth About Marital Conflict

As a couples therapist, one of the things I hear couples say the most is that their goal is to never argue. It is so often that our idea of a happy, healthy couple is one that never fights or disagrees-this could not be farther from the truth! In fact, if someone tells you they never argue with their spouse or partner, they are probably not telling the whole truth. Many relationship experts, including Dr. John Gottman, would argue that conflict in a marriage or long-term relationship is actually completely normal and healthy (Gottman, 1999). It is how you handle these disagreements that is the key to having a happy, healthy relationship.

According to Gottman, one of the main things that keeps couples from arguing in a healthy way is the language that is used during a disagreement. So often, partners will become overwhelmed with emotion during an argument and begin saying things they later regret. Criticism, verbal attacks, and put-downs only escalate the argument, keeping partners from being able to solve the issue at hand. In addition, couples often get so wrapped up in arguing over problems that can never really be solved (such as differences in personalities or core beliefs). It is amazing how much time is freed up when couples choose to agree to disagree on these types of issues, and focus on the issues in their relationship that they can actually solve (such as the division of housework).

So how do you change these behaviors and learn to argue in a way that actually strengthens your relationship instead of chips away at it? According to Gottman, one of the keys is to be able to calm yourself when you are feeling overwhelmed with emotions during an argument, as well as know when to call a time-out from the argument (time-outs aren’t just for kids!). Another key is to be able to come back to each other following a disagreement and work to make repairs, such as by expressing appreciation to your partner or apologizing for anything that may have been said strictly out of anger during the disagreement.

As a couples therapist, I coach couples in how to disagree in a healthy way. Believe it or not, when you learn how to do this, your relationship will strengthen as well. Some skills you can learn in couples therapy are how to be mindful of the body language you use during disagreements, how to soothe yourself during arguments, and how to express appreciation for your partner, rather than fixating on the things that you cannot change about them. Through practice, these skills can become second-nature, and can have enormous effects on many areas of your marriage or relationship.

Reference: Gottman, J. M. (1999). The marriage clinic: A scientifically based marital therapy. New York, NY: W. W. Norton & Company, Inc.

Can Marriage Counseling Help Fix My Marriage?

You may have been fighting for months, years even. Maybe you discovered an affair, or perhaps you are worried about how you handle simple disagreements with your spouse. Then again, things might be totally fine, but you are wondering what you can do to strengthen your relationship. Marriage counseling isn’t for right for every situation, but it is helpful more often than not.  Wherever you are in your marriage, consider these things:

Know Yourself

At the first session of marriage counseling with a new client, I always ask the same question after we get to know each other a bit. I ask each person, “What are your best hopes for marriage counseling?” They almost always pause, sometimes for a long time. It’s as if they never thought about what they actually wanted to happen on the other side of this conflict. Having these hopes for their lives and their marriages in hand, couples can be helped to take steps toward realizing them.

Beyond knowing and understanding what you hope for your relationship, it is also helpful to think about what your spouse wants. What do their best hopes mean for your relationship? What might need to change to help achieve the goal? What is already working? Working out goals can be encouraging and exciting, but even at this stage, it is important to remember that no meaningful change occurs instantly. Time is required to reach enduring goals.

Slow Down

One of the most difficult things to do when things are tense with your spouse is to take a breath and stop the exchange. However, that may be exactly what your marriage needs. If you notice that you are becoming frustrated, take a moment before responding. Some people take deep breaths, counting from one to ten, and others think of a peaceful place. Whatever your choice may be, just slow down before you make a tense situation worse. If you wait and still feel you need to discuss the difficult topic, you have the benefit of coming to it a little bit separated from the powerful emotions you had when you were feeling frustrated.

This step of improving everyday interactions is the most difficult to do without assistance. It may be necessary to have a therapist coach the couple through this stage of the process.

Communicate With Purpose

One of the most important parts of any relationship is communication, but what is the point of communicating? How you answer this question changes that way you communicate greatly. If you believe that you communicate to get your point across, then you will be more likely to be direct and upfront, sometimes at the price of being kind and considerate. If you believe that the point of communicating is to affirm people, you are more likely to compliment and nurture, sometimes at the price of removing your own input and perspective. If you believe that the point of communicating is to connect, you will be more likely to see deeper meaning in conversation with your partner, sometimes at the cost of being aware of practical concerns.

There is room for all of these different views of communicating in a happy marriage, but the drawbacks of each viewpoint can cause problems. Rather than trying to do one of these all the time, spend some time thinking about what methods work for situations that repeat in your relationship.

If Wishes Were Horses

There is an Old English proverb, “If wishes were horses, beggars would ride.” The meaning of the proverb is if people are able to achieve what they want just by wishing for it, even the most desperate of people would have everything their hearts desire. This proverb applies to relationships as well. If wishing you would stop fighting or being upset by your partner were all it took to get past it, we would have perfect relationships. We would always be satisfied because, if we weren’t for any reason, we could fix it just by wanting something else!

Of course, it isn’t that easy. In fact, it can be very difficult to work better with your spouse. You may wish that you knew some way to improve your marriage but don’t know where to start. If that is the case marriage counseling may be for you, if so, please set up an appointment today.

The marital relationship affects children- for better or for worse

I have been wondering after some recent discussions with friends how Frisco, Plano, and the surrounding areas would be different if families focused on growing marriages first before they focused on their children’s interests and extracurricular activities. This suburban area in particular is so kid-centric. I see so many activities that parents can enroll their children in, from sports to coding, A to Z. But I don’t hear much about what the community is doing to strengthen marriages. I do hear a lot about the divorce rate. Generally the relationship comes first, then kids happen second. It’s the rare case that that ever occurs in reverse. So why aren’t we doing more to strengthen the foundational relationship in a marriage so all other relationships, i.e. the kids and other relatives, can flourish out of the health of the first one?

Benefits of a strong marriage for kids

Consider the great examples of a good relationship that can be displayed to your children in a marriage that you are actively developing and breathing life into. Children are able to see what it means to cherish and care for somebody, how to resolve conflict, how to prioritize each other, how to share the load, how to negotiate, how to argue well, how to constantly do the work of marriage.

Imagine the security a child would feel in seeing his parents imperfectly but persistently pursuing each other. What would it be like for your children to see you make mistakes as parents, perhaps emotionally hurting each other as spouses, and then to hear you two make amends? How would they react to seeing you two flirt with each other around the house, even after they are into their teens? (Well, probably act grossed out, let’s be real). But on a deeper level, that is a public display to them of your emotional intimacy and understanding of each others’ needs. But how does a couple even get to this level? What if you are already years into your marriage to each other with children?

Wait, marriage is work?

Doing the work of strengthening a marriage is just that- work. It takes effort; it takes intentionality; it takes time. Rome wasn’t built overnight. So be patient with yourself. It’s also not a one-person effort. I describe trust like a bridge to clients. Imagine each person on either side of a chasm, each slowly building their side out to meet the other’s in the middle. One person can’t do most of the work. It has to be fair. Trust is built through a long series of gives and takes, disclosures, good experiences, and even through bad experiences.

I would say that it is most crucial for couples to understand how to really do relational repair well. This refers to the process by which you reconcile after some sort of hurt, like a breach in trust; a display of negative emotions like anger, frustration, jealousy; or a slowing of a willingness to cooperate with and serve their spouse. It is not easy to approach someone whom you feel either hurt by or whom you are frustrated with.

What do I do when we can’t talk about it?

So where can you start when there is a hurt in your relationship with your spouse? Try taking a look at these fair-fighting-rules. It’s a list of good guidelines, courtesy of therapistaid.com. Something that I would add to the list is to first calm down. When our brains are processing an excess of anger or stress, the areas of our brain which process our fight/flight/freeze reflex become very active. At the same time, our prefrontal cortex, the major part of the brain responsible for logical thought, becomes noticeably less active.

All this is to say that when we are overwhelmed, or flooded, by negative emotions, we cannot think logically. To give yourself the time and the space to cool down before speaking with your spouse is to give your brain the time and capability to think logically, to come up with alternative options and explanations, and allow you to better formulate what is actually bothering you. Being able to have that time also gives you a greater capability to actually hear what your spouse is saying to you when you do talk.

Even though this is difficult (nobody would call this easy!) it is worth it. With each repaired break in your relationship, you become better and better at relating to and understanding your spouse. It’s going to make your marital relationship stronger, because it strengthens the underlying thought that “I can talk to my spouse about difficult things and easy things”.

As an extra bonus, your children will see your conflict resolution techniques and benefit from your example of leaning in towards reconciliation instead of leaning away from a hard situation. It will build their trust in you and their ability to open up to you and be honest. You’re not going to be perfect. It may feel like two steps forward, one step back. But as you are able to be more genuine with your spouse about what is going on, your marriage will grow in trust and intimacy. And your children will learn how to healthfully relate with other people- from your example.